i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
