So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
