Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
