I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
