some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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