Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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