So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize