things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
