I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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