Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
