Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
