Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
