Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
