Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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