Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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