Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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