Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
