Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
