My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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