I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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