she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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