Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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