i was born a porn star she said
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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