im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
