Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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