how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
