dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
