i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
