I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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