If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
