I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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