yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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