You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
