I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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