this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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