fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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