Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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