I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
