3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
