I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I intend to get homeless drunk
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
