Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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