I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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