His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
