So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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