I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
