yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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