If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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