oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
