bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
