What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
