What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
