I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
