Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
