so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
