I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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