Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
