I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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