god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
